A New Hope (yes I am a Star Wars fan shhhhhh UWU)

    Well... When I started this blog, I honestly thought I'd be able to make more "daily" (or at least weekly, for gosh's sake) posts, but:
1) I'm a busy busy person,
 2) I've (surprisingly) had way too many topics to write about, and
 3) it kind of isn't easy to lay out my life in such a public manner. A lot of the things which have affected me most in recent weeks are quite private, soooo... Yeah. All that said, it's time I post, or I'll likely never get around to it. So. Have my best attempt at summary? XD

      At the time of my first entry, I was in an unstable, but critical place in my life. I knew that I had come to the point where it was either let go of God, and everything He once meant to me; or choose Him, and let go of my dearest held hopes and dreams. I chose God. I had no concrete hope or expectation that God would "come through" for me... In fact, at the time, my choice seemed like the grimmest prospect I could have conjured. Yet, in spite of the crushing pain which pretty much immediately followed my decision, I knew at my core this was the right thing. I realized that everything I'd been holding on to, perfect and wholly beautiful as it was, would never quite be enough. It was all temporary: plans for my lifestyle, relationships, and even my purpose and goals... It was me-centric, all liable to vanish at the brush of a wind. And, I couldn't let go of the remembrance of life lived in God... the ultimate, thrilling, incredible fulfillment. I knew that no matter what level of happiness I managed to achieve in my lifetime, without God in me, it would be, in effect, always voided in the back of my mind.

      So, I took a chance. I emptied my hands, broke my own heart, and cried out to God to hold tight to whatever was left of me. To be totally honest, at first I felt even more hopelessly alone than before. God felt as distant as ever, and I wondered if, maybe, He was... ...That I'd given up everything for a God who didn't even care. I didn't give up praying and seeking, though. Despite my long-fostered distrust of God, I turned to His Word for comfort when I couldn't handle the loneliness and depression. I hadn't really /read/ my Bible in so long; the once-familiar passages rang with newness. Their depth, truth, and brilliance slowly softened my mistrust. I struggled daily with depression, but I felt hope beginning in me.

     Around this time, I also began attending a weekly worship service hosted by my college ministry, as well as a local church. I'm not going to lie, that was pretty difficult for me at first, especially the smaller college ministry setting. Not only did I have a dislike for churches and most Christians, but I have somewhat limiting social anxiety, as well. This combination made for a tremorous start, but I was met with such warmth, and these other Christians were so genuinely inspiring, that "church" became the high point in my week. I can't say enough what a beautiful thing it is to observe people who honestly love, and passionately seek to serve, God. Just as closed-minded, "traditions of men"-following Christians had helped fuel my distance from "religion," on the flip side, these young believers made me crave more knowledge of God Himself; made me crave a love akin to theirs. I felt my anger at God being slowly remade into excitement, gratitude, and even trust. I felt myself coming /alive/ for the first time in years.

    That said, if my "spiritual journey" can be compared with a mountain, I think I may have only just scaled the foothills that come before said "mountain" turns to pronounced stone... It is still a daily thing for me to struggle with missing the things I let go; to put in the effort necessary to maintain this re-budding relationship with God (aka abiding in His Word, love, and commands)... Plus, some really horrendous old sins which I thought I'd seen the last of have cropped up again in my life, and I'm still figuring out how to let God help me overcome them. However, despite all of that, I have a new hope to cling to. David (in Psalms, yo) spoke of the Lord "restoring [his] soul..." And even in my most messed up moments, I'm seeing that truth... That /because/ I am unable to change for the better in my own power, Jesus is covering me; being strong in my weakness.

     So yeah. :3 I had wanted to include some exciting recent updates in this post too, but it's already a massive bunch of text, and I feel it would be in bad taste to cram even more onto this post at the moment... So. I will try to post the updates as a separate entry?

So it begins...

     As some of you may know, I am a Christian college student, as well as a freelance poet, writer, and artist. As some of you may also know, I've been grappling with my faith for some time now, and I've realized that I've very nearly entirely slipped into some kind of hopeful agnosticism.

     Yeah, I believe in God [as a fiercely logical person, I honestly see more reason to believe in Him than not (which I'll expound on in a future post)], and I used to have a really close relationship with Him, but all the same, I've grown to feel almost an animosity toward Him and the "Christians" in my life.

    I'm sick of the hopelessness, depression, and anger which accompanied my distancing myself from God, though. I have an insatiable, maddening emptiness within me which was once filled by a joyous, tangible, fulfilling relationship with a loving and holy God.

     I want to return to that. I'm not sure of the process, and while I know God's on my side, it's been hard as heck so far. I'm learning, slowly, though, to trust, and am seeing conclusive evidence that this "relationship" is the single most important decision of my life, and that it's going to be infinitely worth whatever anger, tears, fears, and sacrifices I've got to go through on the way.

     But yeah, enough about me. As far as the blog itself goes, I'm hoping to include personal stories, scripture studies, and, as I revisit why I believe in God, my "apologetics" findings, too.
     I may offend some of you, because I'm not going to try to mask the messed up place I am now, and while I hope that will not be the case... ...it's pretty likely. I will try to avoid it, though.

     So... Yup. Welcome to my journey.